


The Ghost of Trost

by Nalora



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Badass Eren Yeager, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Eren is stuck as a Titan, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Misunderstandings, POV Armin Arlert, POV Eren Yeager, POV Jean Kirstein, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), POV Mikasa Ackerman, Post-Trost Arc, The Rogue Titan, Titan Eren Yeager, Titans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-01-29 08:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21407401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nalora/pseuds/Nalora
Summary: Eren sacrificed himself to save Armin during the Battle for Trost. Six months later Armin and Mikasa find themselves back in the city for the first time since the battle. Sightings of the strange titan that helped humanity score its first victory draw the Survey Corps to investigate while Eren comes to terms with his new reality.Or in other words......everyone thinks Eren is dead when really is he stuck as a self-loathing titan trapped outside the walls.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi & Eren Yeager & Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 78
Kudos: 485





	1. Six Months

Armin took a deep breath. The sight of Trost below him brought tears to his eyes although he wasn’t sure if they were tears of hope or tears brought on by the rekindled pain of his memories. It had been six months since the battle of Trost, six months since Armin should have died, and six months since he had lost his best friend.

A cool hand on his shoulder made him jump. Mikasa had found him. She always did. It wasn’t the first time Armin had snuck up to sit on the wall after a sleepless night. He didn’t need to glance up at Mikasa to know her face would be unreadable and the hand not comforting Armin would be clutched to the scarf around her neck. 

Last night had been their first night back in Trost since the events of the battle, and it had probably been equally rough for Mikasa. He felt her sit next to him, both their legs dangling freely over the wall. If she had been anyone else Armin would have tried to quell the tears in his eyes, but now he let them fall quietly. Mikasa didn’t ask him if he was ok or grill him for the source of his silent tears. She already knew the answer to both those questions. She knew exactly what was on Armin’s mind because it was also on hers. He was thinking about _Eren_.

Sitting on top of the wall was peaceful, the morning sounds of humanity rebuilding below them were distant and muted. After a quiet moment, he felt Mikasa lay her head on his shoulder. She never cried anymore, not really. It was as if her strength had been twisted inward. She was strong enough to win the battles with herself Armin lost every day. 

Losing Eren had been hard. No, that wasn’t it. Losing Eren had been _everything_. At first, there had been shock and numbness followed by a deep sense of loss and pain. Those were all things Armin could deal with, those were things many of his fellow soldiers lived with. The feeling Armin couldn’t handle, the feeling that made his food taste like ash and his nights full of screams, was guilt. Guilt Eren died for him, guilt he had let Eren join the Survey Corps, guilt he wouldn’t fulfill their shared dream of seeing the outside world, guilt he was failing Mikasa and everyone else, ...guilt Eren had died for nothing. 

It had gotten so bad Mikasa asked Jean not so subtly to lock up Armin’s blades at night for fear he might do something to hurt himself. Armin liked to think Mikasa was being over-cautious and he’d never do something like that, but then he remembered that Trost rooftop. The rooftop where he’d asked her to leave him behind with a broken blade so he could choose his own way out. He’d been serious then, so he didn’t blame her cautiousness afterward.

Times like that Armin felt he didn’t deserve Mikasa’s friendship. The deep bond they shared was yet another gift from Eren. Most of the fond memories in his life were. Eren had gotten him through his childhood, through his grandfather’s death, through the years of military training, and Eren’s final act had been getting Armin through his first battle. Eren may have seemed suicidal to some people, but to Armin, he was loyal above all else. In the moments before his inevitable death, Eren had smiled at him. It was a small smile, a secret smile, a smile which haunted Armin’s memories more than the sight of Eren’s severed arm thumping to the ground as the titan that killed him clamped its jaws shut. It was Eren’s way of saying he didn’t regret dying for his friend and remembering it made Armin’s guilt feel sharp inside him. 

Most of the soldiers who remembered the battle of Trost remembered it for a very different reason. Not only was Trost the first time humanity had managed to beat back the titans, but it was also the first appearance of the Rogue Titan. No one knew where the Rogue Titan came from or why it attacked its own kind. After clearing the supply depo and nearly being ripped to shreds in the process, the Rogue Titan had set its sights on trying to patch the massive hole in the wall. Armin and his squad had followed the Titan and watched in wonder as it frustratedly tried to block the hole with whatever objects it could find, only to have the makeshift barriers ripped apart by the incoming stream of titans. 

Armin hadn’t been sure what had come over him, but as he had watched the Titan he had found himself yelling at it. Screaming at it to use the large boulder he knew lay in the northwest corner of the city. Although part of Armin was still convinced it may have been a coincidence, by some miracle it had actually seemed to listen to his suggestion. The Rogue Titan had successfully hefted the boulder onto his shoulders and plugged the hole in the wall, managing to seal himself away from the awestruck humans in the process. In the seconds between the titan backing through the breach in the wall and the boulder slamming down to seal the path behind him, Armin swore he felt the titan’s eyes on him. 

He was questioned extensively by his commanding officers after the battle had ended, but the one thing he never admitted to anyone, not even to Mikasa, was that the titan’s eyes had looked...sad. There was no other name for it. The Rogue Titan had looked at Armin with sad eyes and the part of Armin that was driven by curiosity was determined to find out why. 

Since the battle of Trost, the Rogue Titan had been spotted on the horizon a number of times, usually in the early mornings. In some instances, the mysterious titan was seen pulling smaller titans apart in apparent rage, while other instances the titan was spotted just gazing at the walls without moving. Some soldiers began to speak of it as if it were some kind of good luck omen or benevolent deity, while others spoke of it with fear and hatred. The titan had become an enigma that never wandered close enough to the walls to provide any real answers. 

Armin often wondered what Eren would have thought of the mysterious titan. Those who were fearful of the titan speculated it didn’t come close to the walls because it was biding its time and planning an attack. Armin, on the other hand, theorized it kept it’s distance because it was afraid of coming within canon range, or perhaps it feared the soldiers housed within the walls. As frustrating as it was, Armin had to agree the titan’s decision to keep its distance was a wise one. Tomorrow, however, the mystery of the Rogue Titan was to be investigated. 

The Survey Crops, including himself and Mikasa, were in the midst of preparing for a mission to engage with the Rogue Titan outside the walls. The goal was to gather as much information about the Titan as possible using whatever means necessary. With no real idea of how the titan would react to soldiers while in titan territory, the mission was a major gamble. The titan had already proved itself to be intelligent and extremely resourceful, and if it decided to attack, Armin knew his squad did not stand a chance.

It had last been spotted two days ago to the west of Trost which was why Mikasa and Armin found themselves biding their time in the city while they waited for the command to ship out. Like Mikasa, Armin had come to hate his free time. Free time meant he had nothing to distract his thoughts from wandering back to Eren. Yesterday he’d picked up one of his old books with the hope it would serve as a distraction, but the memory of reading to Eren came back in full force and he’d nearly flung the book across the room. Not being the greatest reader himself, Eren had loved it when Armin would read to him. Now Armin could barely read to himself. The realization made Armin sigh defeatedly.

At the sound of his sigh, Mikasa lifted her head from where she had rested it against Armin’s shoulder, drawing him from his thoughts. 

“Hey, I think the view might be better on the other side”

“Yeah, you’re probably right”

Armin offered her a grateful smile as she stood up and offered him a hand which he took in his own. The pair turned their back on the city and on the memories of what had happened there, instead, letting their feet dangle over titan territory. It was early morning and Armin soon began to feel the rays of the rising sun warm his back. Years ago sitting on the edge like this would have terrified him, but now he barely gave it a second thought. 

Mikasa sat with her hands clasped above her knees, her sharp eyes scanning the terrain below them. To their left, a small 7-meter titan pawed at the wall, but there was no other titan movement visible. No matter how many times he had seen it, Armin always found the birdseye view of the outside world breathtaking. Joining the military did not come with a lot of perks, but having access to the top of the wall was definitely one of them. 

Armin turned his gaze away from the view to watch as Mikasa pulled the scarf from her neck. Instead of folding it like she usually did he was surprised when she spread it across both of their laps. The worn red fabric did little to combat the early morning chill, but Armin found it comforting. Eren used to love sitting up here with them. Suddenly Armin heard Mikasa draw in a breath. 

“Armin, look” 

She pointed towards the horizon where a large shape was moving into view. 

“Is that…?”

Armin squinted against the bright morning light, trying to make out the shape in better detail. After a few moments, Armin could distinctly make out the pointed ears and strong silhouette of the Rouge Titan in the distance. 

“It’s him” 

Armin knew it without a doubt. The titan’s movements, even from this distance, were familiar. It didn’t lumber like the other titan’s Armin had seen. It moved with purpose. A purpose that betrayed its intelligence. Armin felt a chill run down his spine. In just a few days his friends and himself were going to confront that titan. 

They watched the Rogue Titan move towards the wall where it stopped just out of cannon fire range. In a strangely human-like gesture, the titan plopped to the ground where it sat with its legs crisscrossed. He was probably imagining it but Armin could have sworn he heard the titan sigh even from this distance. 

The titan swung his head to the right and slowly scanned the area in front of it. When its eyes reached the stretch of wall Armin and Mikasa were sitting on, it suddenly sprang back to its feet, more gracefully than Armin would have thought possible given its size. It stared up in their direction and Armin stared back. The titan’s body language was...distressed. Its hands were twitching at its side and its shoulders were hunched like a child expecting to be smacked. Its eyes were wide and they were blinking rapidly. This was definitely not typical titan behavior.  
Trusting his sudden instinct, Armin moved to stand up slowly. The titan took a hurried step backward at Armin’s movement and almost tripped over its own feet in the process. It was almost comical but neither Armin or Mikasa were laughing. 

Not quite sure what to do next, Armin raised one hand and waved at the titan. Armin felt Mikasa’s eyes on him but didn’t turn to look at her, fearing if he broke his stare with the titan it would flee towards the horizon. After a few long seconds in which Armin found himself feeling very foolish, the titan slowly raised one huge hand and returned Armin’s gesture causing Mikasa to gasp and also spring to her feet.

The titan had actually… waved back? Now Armin was the one blinking rapidly. As Armin took a moment to reign in his shock, the titan slowly lowered its hand and took another step backward. The sound of the elevator mechanism bumping to life behind him made Armin jump so badly he would have almost fallen off the wall if it hadn’t been for Mikasa’s hand on his uniform. When he regained his balance he glanced back to see the titan below them had vanished. 

“Dang ...he’s gone” 

Armin’s voice was almost a whisper. Inside he felt his heart pounding in his chest. Had that encounter really just happened? Why did the titan respond so dramatically at the sight of them? What exactly _was_ the Rogue Titan? He felt Mikasa’s grip tighten on his shoulder.

“Armin, should we report it?”

He shook his head, still reeling from the shock. 

“No, there is no point. The mission is tomorrow and it looks like his position hasn’t changed since the last sighting”

Mikasa looked convinced with his answer but deep down Armin wasn’t as sure. On one hand, his reasoning was solid, but on the other hand logic wasn’t the driving factor for his response. He had felt the need to keep the sighting a secret from the others, but he wasn’t sure why. Would the titan have waved at just anyone? 

“Oh hey! There you guys are!”

Armin turned around to see Connie and Sasha stepping off the elevator platform and on to the wall. Connie walked towards them with a carefree grin while Sasha walked to the nearest edge and leaned over it curiously, letting Connie do the talking for them both. 

“Jean was trying to get a group together to play cards. You guys in? It’s not often we get this much downtime!”

Armin returned the other boy’s smile. Connie was a nice fresh breath of normalcy after the encounter that had just happened. 

“Sure, as long as you don’t cheat like last time, Connie.” 

Connie just waggled his eyebrows. 

“Mikasa, you in?” 

She gave a silent nod and the four of them made their way towards the elevator. A round of cards would be a nice distraction from the uncertainty of tomorrow’s mission.

Armin was the last to board the elevator platform, his eyes still scanning the forest edge and horizon. Wherever the titan had gone it was well out of sight, but it was not out of Armin’s mind. 

\----

It was _them_. Even at this distance, Eren could tell. 

If their scent hadn’t given them away, Armin’s golden hair and Mikasa’s red scarf would have. He had assumed he’d never see them again. He had even tried to come to terms with it. Deep down he hoped to one day be reunited, but he tried to douse that hope whenever he felt it rise to the surface. He didn’t _deserve_ to be reunited with them. He needed to stay as far away from his friends as he could. 

It had been six months since he had last seen them. Six months since they had fought together. Six months since he’d felt the fabric of Mikasa’s scarf. Six months since he had heard Armin’s voice. 

And then suddenly there they were, sitting together on the wall just like the three of them used to do. The sight of them shocked Eren. His muscles had itched for him to flee, but his heart told him to stay. His heart wanted to know that they were alright.

Whenever he daydreamed about seeing his friends again, Eren always imagined himself back insides the walls with his human body. He imagined the walls had never been breached and the battle inside of Trost had never happened, what he had _become_ had never happened. 

More often than not, his daydreams were memories. Memories that seemed brighter now he realized how much he had taken for granted. He imagined opening his eyes to Mikasa’s cold hands shaking him awake and he imagined falling asleep to the sound of Armin’s gentle voice. For a long time, Armin and Mikasa had been the only source of gentleness in Eren’s entire world. Why was he just now realizing it?

When Eren had first become conscious of his situation, he had made the mistake of assuming what had happened to him had been an accident and his comrades and commanders would help him after the battle had been won. He had been glad to have survived and let his fear and confusion of the transformation be burned away by rage and instinct. Crushing titans with his bare hands and teeth had felt _good_.

It wasn’t until he saw caught sight of the expressions on his comrade’s faces that he realized the truth. He had become a monster. He was a monster. He deserved to be slaughtered just like any other titan. He was an inhuman enemy and his friends could never know the truth. It was better they believed their friend to be dead than to know he had become a monster. The agony of that realization had made him roar into the sky. He had somehow gotten what he had always wanted, the power to kill titans, but the power had cost him everything.

When he found himself on the wrong side of the wall with cannons aimed at his face, Eren had fled into the forest. The confusion and the fear and the pain had nearly overwhelmed him. Desperate to get back to his friends, Eren tried everything he could think of to try and force himself to change back, ranging from imagining himself small to ripping off his giant arms (only to watch in horror as they grew back). 

After the first week of exile, Eren accepted he would be a monster until he died.

After the second week, Eren gave up hope his friends would see him as anything other than disgusting and frightening, and after the third week, Eren decided to give up hope of returning to the walls altogether.

By week four Eren was at a loss as to what to do with himself. He considered leaving everything behind and exploring the outside world, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Not when he knew his friends were still in danger. Sure he had sealed the hole in Trost, but the Colossal and the Armored titan were still out there.

To make matters worse, the brief bit of exploring he had managed to do had led him to a startling conclusion. The titans lumbering towards the walls were being replenished somehow. For every titan he killed another seemed to take its place the next day. Somewhere on the other side of the horizon, there was a source. The new titans Eren crushed each day always came from the same direction. The Survey Corps, his friends included, didn’t stand a chance. 

While Eren did little to explore his surroundings beyond the forest he had decided to call home, he did much to explore his new abilities. One of the first things he had noticed about his new self was his skin. It was tough and less sensitive than he was used to. He also guessed he was probably hot to the touch but couldn’t tell for sure. The next thing he took note of was his newfound senses, especially his sense of smell. If he lost any of his senses he knew he would be able to navigate the world just fine using the remaining ones. Sometimes he caught himself marveling over his own ability to see in the dark or the distance at which he could sense animals moving below him. His other realizations were less marvelous.

After the first few nights in the forest, Eren realized he hardly needed to sleep. For some reason, this realization disturbed him greatly. The few times when he had managed to sleep had been times when he had suffered significant damage from his clashes with other titans and his body had needed to heal. With no trauma to exert itself on, his body seemed content to stay awake forever as long as he received sunlight. 

With a body that needed almost no maintenance from its driver, Eren had become dreadfully bored in between hunting the titans that strayed near him. He wished desperately he could pick Armin’s brain for guesses to the questions Eren had begun to form about himself and the world around him. Even when he didn’t know an answer, Armin had a way of talking through problems Eren could never do on his own. Eren could listen to Armin explain the most mundane of things and not get bored. God, Eren really missed his friend’s voice. Even with his newfound hearing ability, the forest was awfully quiet. 

Perhaps it was the quiet that had led Eren to wander close to the walls that day. An irrational part of his mind had convinced itself that if he didn’t overhear human speech he would lose the ability to understand it and become as mindless as the titans he took pleasure in ripping apart. 

Although his friends had been far away, Eren could still make out their faces. Mikasa’s expression had been as unreadable as ever, while Armin’s had been ...curious. When Armin had moved his hand to wave at Eren a million different thoughts had sprung to his mind. His first thought was Armin was giving some hidden signal and soldiers were about to spring out of nowhere and attack. He then thought perhaps he was mistaken and Armin wasn’t really waving at all, and for a brief moment, Eren couldn’t hope but consider perhaps Armin had recognized him and had forgiven him for becoming a monster. That last thought had stung the worst. He had thought he had done a better job at tampering his hope. 

When it had become apparent Armin really was just waving out of curiosity, Eren couldn’t stop himself from waving back. Doing so without thinking probably wasn’t the best choice but Eren had never been the best at controlling his impulses. Controlling Eren’s rash impulses had always been Armin’s job. 

He apparently heard the sound of the elevator moving behind Armin before Armin did because the sound of the pulleys caused his friend to jump and almost lose his footing on the wall. Without thinking, Eren lunged forward but stopped himself when he realized Mikasa had a hold of Armin’s uniform. Seeing them look so broken had become too much for Eren, and he took the momentary distraction as his queue to flee the scene. 

He had hoped seeing his friends would make him miss them less, but the ache he felt for them had only increased. He longed to comfort them, to tell them he was alive, to hear what they had been up to for the last six months. For a moment he allowed himself to mourn before squeezing his eyes shut and listening for the sound of a titan to rage against. Next time he saw his friends, if there was a next time, he would stay hidden.


	2. Horses & Flares

The cold November wind ripped at Levi’s cloak as he stalked towards the huddle of recruits gathered outside the temporary Trost stables. The expedition was set to leave at dawn, and his subordinates had chosen to take solace in each other’s company as they waited for the sun to rise. For many of them, this would be their first mission outside the safety of the walls. For some, there was a good chance it would also be their last. 

Levi grimaced at the thought. Every year it was the same. Young soldiers joined the ranks of the Survey Corps in May and completed six months of subsequent training. In November, the new recruits were assigned their first expedition and by April a good portion of them were dead. 

This year’s group of recruits had been...different. Not only had the Survey Corps seen a recond number of recruits, but a few of those recruits had scored in the top ten of their class. Levi didn’t know what to make of them, not at first at least.

After the decision ceremony was over, Erwin speculated the popularity of the Survey Corps was probably a result of humanity’s victory at Trost. While Levi agreed with this theory, he’d later come to learn many of his subordinates were inspired to join the most dangerous branch of the military by one of their own, a fiery young man named Eren Jeager. Unfortunately, Jeager had been dealt a violent death during the battle, having sacrificed himself to save one of his comrades. 

It was a shame. Levi wished he could have met the kid who had the balls to convince his friends to fight titans head-on. Someone like that must have been insane, and to be frank, Levi could use a bit more insanity on his squad. In his opinion, insanity and luck were the only reasons the Survey Corps hadn’t been wiped out altogether.

As Levi approached the small group, he heard the voices of Kirstein and Blouse carried towards him by the wind.

“....all I’m saying is Connie cheats so losing to him isn’t really losing”

“Yeah but it’s not winning either, Jean” 

“Well I beat _you_, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t beat Armin” 

“So what, potato girl? No one beats Armin.” 

“Hey guys, knock it off. I think the captains coming over.” 

The last voice belonged to Springer, and Levi did nothing to hide his scowl as he approached. Nerves were making his young squad act like children and children were the last thing Levi wanted to deal with hours before a mission. 

He observed them with cold eyes as they lined up to salute. Blouse was clearly hiding something behind her back (probably food) while Springer was wearing the ugliest hat Levi had ever seen. Kirstein looked unusually pale and Levi guessed it had less to do with the chilly air and more to do with the upcoming mission. Ackerman was as unreadable as always while Arlet looked small and distracted. This was going to be one cold-ass nightmare of a mission. 

“Orders, Sir?”

Levi glanced at Kirstein. If it wasn’t for his pale face, the kid would be doing a pretty good job of hiding his nerves. 

“I want each of you to check and double-check your gear, especially the flares. Don’t fuck around. Once the sun breaks over the wall mount up and head to your assigned formations.”

"Yes, sir!"

Levi paused for a moment and looked at the dark-haired girl who was staring straight ahead. 

“Ackerman, you’ve been reassigned”

For a split second, Levi thought he saw panic in her eyes before she regained her cool composure. As far as Levi was concerned, splitting them up hours before their first mission was rather cruel, but the orders didn’t come from him. 

“Where, sir?”

“Left point. Havis broke his ankle last night and his spot needs filling.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

She saluted sharply. Although Mikasa didn’t always show it, Levi knew she had been one of the recruits hit the hardest by the events at Trost. Levi let his normally cold voice soften slightly.

“I’m sorry, Ackerman. Erwin’s orders.” 

She gave a professional nod but her hand suddenly clutching Arlert’s wrist didn’t escape Levi’s notice. He frowned and took a step back to address the entire squad once again, raising his voice to be heard over the wind. 

“We don’t know what kind of titan we are dealing with so stay prepped for anything. Stick with your squadmates and do your best not to die.”

Levi was never one for motivational speeches, and honestly, he couldn’t find anything motivating about their situation to begin with. 

Satisfied the recruits could handle themselves, Levi spun on his heel and walked back to where his horse was waiting for him directly below the gates.

As he double-checked his own pack, Levi heard the sound of hooves approach him from behind. It was Hange, and the look on her face told Levi all he needed to know. He cut her off before she could speak with a well-timed raise of his hand. 

“Before you say whatever it is you were gonna say about the Rogue Titan or whatever, I want you to know that your pack is about to fall off your horse”

“No its ...oh hey, thanks, Levi” Hange slid off her horse and readjusted her saddlebags.

“Don’t thank me, act like an adult. I’m tired of dealing with children.” 

She nodded in understanding. 

“You checked in with the new recruits then? Hell of a first mission to be assigned to.” 

“Erwin reassigned Ackerman to Havis’s position”

Levi didn’t know if he was complaining to Hange about Erwin’s orders or filling her in. 

“Huh. From what I’ve seen, Ackerman is pretty capable. Must be why Erwin chose her to split from her usual squad.” 

“Yeah, I guess, but Arlert looked like he was gonna fucking pass out when I told them.”

Hange shrugged. 

“Those two are close. They were probably counting on having each other’s backs”

Levi frowned again but pushed Ackerman’s reassignment out of his mind. He had a mission to focus on and being distracted could mean death. 

With a final yank on his saddlebags to test they were secure, Levi nimbly climbed onto his black mare as the first few rays of the sun broke over the wall behind him. To his left, he heard Erwin’s signal to raise the gates. The mission to confront the Rogue Titan had begun.

\----

Armin couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement as he passed underneath the wall. The rising sun painted the landscape in rich colors and the terrain in front of him was wide open. He was finally doing it, he was finally discovering the outside world just like Eren told him he would. He turned to share his grin with Mikasa only to remember she had been moved to a squad at the front of the formation. 

Armin’s grin faded. He knew Mikasa was a more than capable soldier, but he also knew she worried about him. Being separated from her friends was going to be rough for her. The only reason she hadn’t been there when Eren died was the fact she had been reassigned to an elite squad at Trost. Armin knew she blamed herself for not being able to save Eren, and the similarities between today’s mission and Trost were no doubt fresh in her mind. 

The sight of a yellow flare from somewhere up ahead had Armin and Jean peeling away from Connie and Sasha. In pairs, their orders were to stay within sight of their squadmates as they searched for signs of the Rogue Titan. The formation was well choreographed, but once they located their target there was no telling what their orders would be. 

“Hey, Armin, you see that over there?” 

Armin glanced to their right to see what Jean was pointing at. 

“I think it’s a boulder, Jean. It doesn’t look like it’s moving.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right” 

Jean laughed nervously and fell back into silence. If it wasn’t for the threat of titans hanging over them or Jean’s frightened and frequent pointing, the morning ride would have been rather pleasant. Armin took his time to marvel at each new sight and landmark they passed. Oh, how he wished he could stop and examine the unfamiliar plants and birds he spotted from afar. 

Morning quickly became early afternoon as the soldiers picked their way over open ground and small rolling hills. Armin wasn’t sure how many miles they had traveled before a giant forest loomed into view on the horizon. The plan was to camp in the forest for the night before retracing their steps back to the walls in the morning. 

Armin was beginning to register a sinking feeling as he watched the trees get closer. Besides the occasional course adjustments, no flares had gone up which meant no one had spotted a titan, rogue or not. Although this was his first mission, Armin knew that fact was odd. They were a large group of humans thundering through known titan territory in broad daylight, so where were the titans? 

“Armin, look!”

This time there was no doubt about what Jean had seen. A black flare had risen from the opposite side of the formation. 

“Shit, Armin! Black means abnormal.” 

Jean’s already pale face grew even paler, and Armin’s hands shook badly as he reached into his pack for a black flare to load. His horse sensed his nervousness and threw its head up in distress surprising Armin and causing his flare gun to fly from his hand. There was no use going back for it now. 

“I dropped my flare gun, catch!” 

Armin tossed his friend the black flare and kept an eye on the left horizon as Jean loaded and shot the flare using his own gun. They rode in tense silence for what felt like an eternity before they suddenly pulled their horses to a halt. Red flares were peppering the sky from both directions. 

Titans had found them. 

\---

It was a heard of elk that first alerted Eren. He was absently balancing a log on his fingertip, not really thinking about anything at all when the elk burst from the forest around him. It was a large herd and Eren saw them often, but he had never seen them so distressed. 

He let the log fall from his fingertip and crash onto the ground as he stood up. He knew the elk weren’t spooked by titans so something else must have startled them. The stream of animals parted around him as he curiously walked in the direction of their distress. Were the wolves back?

Eren reached the edge of the forest in time to notice the faint pounding of galloping horses. Horses!? That could only mean...

He burst from the trees and ran towards the sound without another thought. Red flares colored the sky in front of him and he smelled the salty tang of blood in the air as the wind shifted. 

Why was the Survey Corps this far from the wall? Why would they plan an expedition in this area? What was there to gain? Unless…

Where they there because of _him_? He cursed himself for being careless enough to be seen by the walls. If soldiers were dying, and from the distant sounds of screaming it sounded like they were, they were dying because of him. 

Eren roared in frustration. 

Following his nose, he veered left and crushed the nape of a smaller titan from behind. It too was following the scent of blood in the air. 

He kept running and almost missed the gruesome sight below him until he was almost on top of it. All that was left of the outer most squad was a limping horse and an arm. 

Eren backed away from the scene, forcing himself to ignore the rhythmic thought pounding in his head like a heartbeat. 

_Armin & Mikasa. Armin & Mikasa. Armin & Mikasa_

His friends had joined the Survey Corps because _he_ had wanted to. He couldn’t let them die for his decision. He couldn’t let them die at all. 

His head snapped to the right as he heard a scream. The voice sounded familiar. It sounded like...Sasha! 

Eren increased his speed until he caught sight of her. Sasha was back to back with Connie, horses nowhere in sight. Her blades were gone and she had her hunting bow trained on a 4-meter titan that lazily batted a hand in her direction. Connie had both hands firmly clutched around a broken blade and was watching in horror as two 10 meter titans lumbered closer. The pair was completely surrounded, and Connie was the only one wearing gear. 

Eren’s next move wasn’t even a question. 

In seconds he had his jaws around the neck of one 10 meter titan. It’s steaming carcass fell to the ground with a thump, head landing only feet away from the spot where Connie cowered.

Satisfied with his first kill, Eren jabbed a leg forward, viciously landing a kick that forced the other 10-meter titan to the ground. It struggled and clawed to regain its footing, but Eren got to it first. Like it’s comrade, the second 10 meter was a steaming corpse in a matter of seconds. 

Only the 4-meter titan remained. Eren made quick work of it with another solid kick, this time decapitating the titan entirely. It was only after he destroyed all three titans that Eren let his attention slide to Connie and Sasha. 

His two friends were clutching each other tightly. Sasha’s arm was bleeding heavily and Connie appeared to be in some sort of daze underneath the ugly hat he was wearing.

The sense of certainty and purpose Eren felt during the fight left him. What was he going to do now? He couldn’t leave them, not without horses. He also couldn’t stay and guard them, not when other soldiers needed his help. 

He shifted his weight back and forth as he debated with himself. Below him, Sasha began to cry into Connie’s shoulders, but instead of comforting her, Connie began to cry to. 

Despite it all, Eren was grateful to see his friends again, even if they were terrified of him. 

Movement in the sky behind them caught Eren’s attention. A blue flare. The signal for a retreat. If Connie and Sasha shot a flare of their own, someone would come looking for them. Someone else was alive. If only they had a horse...

The same thought crossed Sasha’s mind as she untangled herself from Connie. She whistled loudly, not taking her eyes off of the 15-meter titan looming over her. Eren, to his credit, took a step backward to appear less threatening, but the gesture did little to quell the fear in his friend’s eyes. After a few more whistles Eren heard the sure sound of hooves coming closer. Sasha had always been the best with horses. 

Once the horse was in sight, Eren made the snap decision to press on. If Connie and Sasha were part of the formation, the rest of Eren’s friends would be as well. It was still a gamble to leave them behind, but with a horse and a direction to go, he knew their chances were promising.

With as much care as he could, Eren stepped around the sobbing Connie and broke into a thundering run. He knew he had probably confused the hell out of his friends, but at least they were alive. 

Using his nose as a guide, Eren followed the scent of blood that led him deeper into the heart of the formation. After a few more minutes of searching, Eren caught a new scent that sent dread curling up his spine.

_Armin_.


	3. Hands

Jean hadn’t seen the titan coming. 

After spotting red flares in the sky above them, Armin had shouted at him to head towards the forest, hoping the trees would at least provide them with the chance to use their gear. They only made it another half mile before the titan attacked.

One second his horse was galloping beside Armin’s and the next second he was on the ground gasping for air as pain laced the right side of his body. Something had slammed into his side and knocked him off his horse. He could hear hoofbeats growing fainter as the animal left him behind. From somewhere up ahead Armin called out his name, but all Jean could do was blink stupidly up at the sky. 

So this was it, this was how Jean Kirstein was going to die. Just another idiot soldier slaughtered on his first mission outside the walls. He closed his eyes. A voice deep inside his head was laughing at him. He’d been stupid to have actually expected anything other than this. He realized that now. At least Armin could probably get away. He coughed weakly.

In the end, he wouldn’t blame the titans for killing him. No, his own naive dream of being a hero was to blame. Either that or Jaeger. The petty thought made him smile. When it came down to it, Jean ended up being as suicidal as the suicidal bastard. 

_At least once he was dead he wouldn’t feel so scared anymore._

Jean flinched when he registered a hand frantically shaking his shoulder. 

“Jean? Can you hear me? We gotta go!”

Jean opened his eyes in confusion and saw Armin’s silhouette blocking his view of the sky. His friend’s eyes were wildly bouncing between Jean and something behind them. Armin had..come back for him!? What was he thinking!?

Jean sat up quickly but gasped when the injury to his side sent daggers of pain through his body. His friend didn’t give him time to adjust to the agony. Armin’s small hands were lifting him to his feet and pushing him towards the blond’s horse which sidestepped nervously.

As his shaking hands clutched at the saddle horn, Jean chanced a glance behind him and immediately wished he hadn’t. 

Through disoriented eyes, Jean saw what must have been a 13-meter titan less than 100 yards away. It’s huge potbelly and glassy eyes stared right back at him as it took a heavy step forward. 

The scream in Jean’s throat came out as a wheeze. 

With panicked difficulty, Jean swung his leg onto the horse and would have crashed back to the ground if Armin hadn’t caught him. Another wave of agony stifled all other thoughts, and when he came to, Jean registered that Armin was talking to him, his hands busy at something around Jean’s waist. 

“...the retreat flare so head that way, ok? Look for Connie and Sasha. Hopefully, they might be headed east as well. There are bandages in my saddlebag but I lost my flaregun. I think you may have damaged your gear when you fell but I can’t tell for sure. There, ok.”

Armin stepped back and glanced over his shoulder again. Jean looked down and noticed for the first time Armin had used an extra length of rope to tie him to the saddle. Jean was confused and the pain was keeping him from thinking straight.

It was only when Armin looked back at him and rested a hand on his knee that Jean realized what the blond was planning to do. 

“Armin...don’t” 

Jean’s voice was a weak croak. 

“Goodbye, Jean. Please take care of Mikasa for me.”

Armin slapped the horse’s rump before Jean could respond and the nervous animal shot forward, taking Jean with it. 

Each step the horse took was agony, but Jean did his best to force himself to stay conscious. He needed to go back for Armin! He needed to stop what was about to happen! He needed to…

Jean looked over his shoulder and tears that had nothing to do with the pain of his body spilled onto his cheeks. 

_Oh goddess, oh maria, oh fuck, oh no, oh fuck _

Armin had turned to face the oncoming titan head-on, blades held out on either side of him. The titan lowered itself to its knees and easily plucked Armin from the ground, rendering his blades and gear useless. In the distance, Jean saw the silhouette of an even larger dark-haired titan barreling towards the scene. He twisted back around and blinked back the burning in his eyes, unable to watch any longer. 

Armin Arlert had saved his life. 

_Armin Arlert had died for him._

\----

The panic made Armin numb.

At first, he’d tried to twist and free himself from the titan’s grasp but soon realized there was no point. He was completely powerless. 

The last time Armin had been seized by a titan, Eren had died saving him. At least this time there was no one left to die for his weakness. At least this time Armin had managed to save someone else.

He didn’t flinch as the titan opened it’s maw and bathed him in hot breath. 

Armin was ready to die. If he was being honest with himself he had been for a while now. No matter how beautiful he found the world to be, it meant nothing without Eren. 

_He_ should have been the one to die that day in Trost. The last six months had been a mistake. It seemed right the universe would want to fix itself by ending him now. But was it really the universe killing him, or had Armin finally just found a way to kill himself that made sense? It didn’t matter, not really. He knew it would hurt, but Mikasa would be ok. Jean would always look after her. Jean would-

With no warning, something large slammed into the titan from behind. The abrupt feeling of being jerked to the left made Armin’s head spin. _What was going on?_ The grip on his abdomen tightened suddenly and he gasped for air. Craning his neck at an uncomfortable angle, Armin recoiled at the sight of large teeth slicing through the flesh of the titan’s wrist only feet away from Armin’s body. Why was the titan biting its own wrist? Wait no… that wasn't right. There was a second titan! What!?

The sharp crack of splintering bone filled Armin’s ears. Moments later the fingers wrapped around his body went slack. Too slack. The titan’s muscles had been severed at the wrist by the newcomer’s jaws. It was only a matter of seconds before Armin would fall. 

His hands instinctually shot to his gear, but it was no use. His gear had been crushed in the titan’s grip. Any tighter and his ribs would have been next. Giving in to survival instincts he didn’t know he had, Armin desperately scrambled to grab hold of something, anything! 

For a moment his sweaty hands caught purchase on a limp finger, but his hold was short-lived. The titan it belonged to lurched backward and the hand that had been clutching Armin tore from its wrist. Armin screamed as the ground rose up to meet him. 

At the last moment, his fall was halted by something warm. He’d been caught by ...another hand? He heard a wet thump as the severed hand he had fallen from landed somewhere to his left. As if in a trance, Armin’s gaze slowly traced up the muscular arm attached to the hand that was now cradling his bruised body. His eyes traveled further and further upwards until his ragged breath caught in disbelief. 

Armin was gazing into the green eyes of the Rogue Titan, and the Rogue Titan was gazing back. Its mouth was steaming. 

_Why had it bothered to catch him?_

Armin knew he had to act before the Rogue Titan decided to tighten its grip into a fist. His mind was reeling. Dreading his next move, Armin watched from the corner of his eye as the one-handed titan recovered from it’s wound and charged the newcomer. The Rogue Titan broke its gaze with the human in its hand, and Armin took it as the distraction he had been waiting for. 

With a grunt, he rolled to the left and flung himself off the titan’s hand. This time there was no soft hand to cushion the fall. Armin landed hard. 

The wind left his lungs on impact and he struggled for breath. Vaguely, he registered pain in his left ankle and shoulder. His mouth tasted like metal. Above him, he heard the Rogue Titan’s dismayed roar cut off abruptly as it was flanked by the other titan. Fearing he’d be squashed in the fight, Armin tried to stand but immediately fell to his knees as his ankle collapsed beneath him. 

Gritting his teeth, Armin did his best to crawl away from the sound of tearing flesh. He needed to make a break for it while the titans distracted each other. He’d dragged himself nearly 30 yards before he registered silence behind him. Armin froze.

A large shadow painted the ground around him. With icy dread, Armin rolled onto his back to face whichever titan had survived the fight. 

Green eyes blinked back at him. The Rogue Titan was crouching over him, its large form blocking the sun. 

Armin felt like sobbing but his breathing was too irregular. He’d been prepared for a quick death, he’d even come to accept it, but this ...this was both painful and confusing. First, the Rogue Titan had ripped through the wrist of the titan that had grabbed him, then it had gone out of its way to catch him before he’d hit the ground. 

It had killed the other titan, and now it was just ...looking at him. 

_Why was it just looking at him?___

_ _The Rogue Titan was even more terrifying up close. Every inch of its body was muscled and lean. Its hair was shaggy and dark and did little to conceal the bright intelligence in its eyes. The ears on either side of its head were tapered into angular points but its ears were not the thing that held Armin’s attention. _ _

_ _Two rows of impossibly large teeth bordered the titan’s lipless mouth giving the impression of a permanent snarl. Armin shuddered. He had seen those teeth in action and he did not want to do so again. _ _

_ _That said, he was glad the Rogue Titan had been the one to win the fight. As confusing as it was, Armin didn’t like the idea of the intelligence he saw in those impossibly green eyes fading away. _ _

_ _The titan took that moment to tilt its head, a strange keening noise emanating from its throat. Did it sound ...concerned? _ _

_ _Armin didn’t know what to do. He could barely walk and he definitely couldn’t fight. The muscles in his chest were constricting in his panic. _ _

_ _The titan raised one hand and Armin cowered, waiting for the hand to come crashing down to crush his body. When nothing happened, he looked up in surprise._ _

_ _The titan was waving at him enthusiastically. _ _

_ _Armin raised his own hand, waved back, and immediately fainted into the grass. _ _

_ _\---_ _

_ _The sun was low in the sky by the time Mikasa’s squad met up with the other survivors. Erwin was shouting orders while Hange organized the injured in the back of a wagon. The two of them were calm and collected. Dealing with the aftermath of a slaughter was something they both were well-practiced at. _ _

_ _When it became clear Armin and his squad had not made it back, Mikasa did her best to swallow the feeling building in her chest and instead listened as soldiers were questioned by Erwin. When strung together, the reports painted a chilling picture of what had happened. _ _

_ _From the sounds of it, Mikasa’s squad had been lucky. Her squad had only lost one soldier. _ _

_ _The titans had attacked the formation a few miles from the treeline. While titan attacks were expected, what made today’s mission particularly fatal was the fact the titans had all attacked at once. It was almost...choreographed. The behavior was unlike anything anyone had ever experienced. _ _

_ _The Survey Corps formation was designed to spot and avoid titans. When titan confrontation was unavoidable, the surrounding squads were called in to assist in the fight, but when every squad was challenged at once, no one was left to offer assistance. _ _

_ _To make matters worse, a few squads reported having seen black flares in the sky, the sign for an abnormal titan, but none of the squads from the direction of the black flares had made it back. If there really had been an abnormal titan, no one had lived to report it. _ _

_ _All of this was background noise in Mikasa’s mind. As the sun dropped even lower in the sky, the feeling in her chest began to feel like it was choking her. She refused to confront it, but it was growing stronger. Her friends were still out there. _ _

_ _ _Armin was still out there._ _ _

_ _She felt Levi’s eyes on her as she passed a waterskin to Hange. Levi had lost his whole squad. _ _

_ _A sudden yell from the other side of the temporary camp caught her attention and she raced towards its source, dropping the waterskin in the lap of the solider next to her. _ _

_ _Two horses had been spotted in the distance. They were coming from the direction Armin’s squad had been assigned to. Without another thought, Mikasa grabbed the reins of the nearest horse and raced out to meet the group headed towards them. _ _

_ _As she drew closer she felt a pang of relief. That was Armin’s horse, and the other horse belonged to Sasha. She urged her own horse to gallop faster. _ _

_ _She recognized Connie first by his stupid hat and assumed the other rider to be Sasha, but it was Armin’s horse that held her attention. Her breath staggered in her lungs. _ _

_ _Jean was slumped on Armin’s horse. _ _

_ _ _Jean was alone._ _ _

_ _“Mikasa!” _ _

_ _Sasha’s voice called out to her as she leaped off her horse and ran the rest of the way on foot. She ignored her friend’s voice, gray eyes focused only on Jean. _ _

_ _When she reached him, she couldn’t even ask the question building in her mind. Even in his pain, Jean wouldn’t meet her eyes. _ _

_ _“Mikasa….I’m sorry”_ _

_ _Jean’s voice broke. _ _

_ _“He saved me, he….I’m sorry. I..”_ _

_ _The world had gone cold, and with no one left to be strong for, Mikasa shattered._ _


	4. Edges & Ledges

When Armin woke up, the first thing he registered was the sound of bird song. With a groan, he rolled onto his back and flinched as pain shot up his ankle. 

_Why was there pain in his ankle?_

He opened his eyes deliriously, the bright morning light making him squint. Why did his head feel like it was stuffed with cotton? Suddenly, the previous day’s events flooded his mind like a tidal wave. 

He’d been on an expedition. He’d almost been eaten alive. He’d been saved by The Rogue Titan, and now he was… in the forest?

Armin sat up, taking a moment to examine his surroundings. 

From what he could tell, he was sitting on a natural ledge that jutted out halfway up the side of a large limestone cliff. He shivered. The rounded ledge was about as wide as the top of the walls and dropped down to an unknown height in front of him. 

Armin rolled onto his knees and crawled to the edge, peering over the side. Below him sprawled a small lake framed on one side by the limestone cliff. Across the lake, Armin could see giant trees and thick underbrush. A herd of elk was grazing in a small clearing to his left. Even in his confused state, Armin couldn’t help but notice the view was magnificent. 

But the pleasure he took in looking at the sparkling lake was short-lived. 

_How the hell did he get up here?_

The ledge had to be at least 40 feet off the ground. He’d only have made it this high on his own if he were using gear, and his gear had been smashed to bits by a titan’s hand. 

Movement from across the lake made Armin recoil from the edge. Something very large and very solid was moving through the trees. Suddenly he was very thankful to be 40 feet off the ground. Only the largest of titans could reach him at this height. 

Unfortunately, The Rogue Titan fit that description. It emerged from the trees and waded into the lake where the water barely made it above the titan’s chest. It was making a beeline right to the ledge where Armin was sitting. 

Armin froze, praying that perhaps if he didn’t move the titan wouldn’t notice him. His prayers went unanswered as the titan stopped feet away from the ledge. Armin’s perch didn’t even come up to the titan’s chin. For all intents and purposes, Armin and the titan were face to face. 

For a wild second, Armin considered taking his chances and jumping over the edge before the titan could do anything, but the idea was short-lived. There was no guarantee he’d land in the water, and even if he did he had no way of telling its depth. He’d have to face the titan head-on ...again. 

This time, however, Armin wasn’t nearly as terrified. It took effort to suppress the whimper building in his chest as he came face to face with those teeth, but his instinct told Armin killing him was not on the titan’s to-do list, at least not yet. 

The titan in question blinked at him, it’s green eyes looked even greener in the bright morning sun. From what Armin could see of its shoulders, they were hunched and swaying as the titan shifted its weight. Its demeanor was ...uncertain. 

When Armin didn’t move, it lowered its chin and made the same the strange keening noise as before. In the silence that followed, Armin decided to make a sound of his own. 

“Hey! Did you put me up here?” 

The titan’s eyes widened in surprise at the sound of Armin’s voice before it nodded enthusiastically. 

Armin almost fainted again. His mind was whirling. Had the titan actually just ... nodded in response to his question? It seemed intelligent, but comprehending human language was beyond anything Armin thought possible.

“Do you ...understand me?”

The titan nodded again with shining eyes as it leaned in closer, fingers resting on the edge of the ledge. What!? How!? Armin had never seen a titan look hopeful before. The effect was rather bizarre. Was this really happening? 

“Ok, wow, uh… I guess I should probably ask if you are gonna eat me.”

The titan rolled its eyes and looked at him pointedly. Ok, stupid question. Apparently, the titan also had a bit of an attitude. 

Armin scratched the back of his head as he considered what to say next. What did one say to a titan? It seemed content to wait as the blond gathered his thoughts. Having a titan’s full attention was disconcerting to say the least. 

“Um ...Thanks for saving me the other day. Also, thanks for saving Trost. That was pretty neat of you.” 

The titan held up its hand and flicked its wrist in a very human-like gesture. Armin took the movement to be its way of saying _no problem._

The gesture gave Armin an idea. He decided to take a leap of faith, his earlier fears leaving him. 

“You can’t talk, can you?”

His new conversation partner shook its head dejectedly. 

“But you want to?”

Another nod.

“Ok then. How about you talk with your hands?”

The titan tilted its head, holding up its giant hands so Armin could see them. It looked confused.

“Hmmm what are some common words that would be helpful? We got yes and no figured out, don't we?”

The titan gave him a double thumbs up. The gesture looked so ridiculous Armin found himself having to pause his train of thought as he inadvertently chuckled. His instincts had been right, the titan really meant him no harm. 

“You’re really into this aren’t you? I’m glad. If we are gonna talk to each other, both of us should be able to speak. Ok, let’s think of a sign for...um...human.”

The titan thought for a moment and then jabbed two fingers into the flat palm of his hand. The result vaguely looked like a person standing upright. Armin nodded in approval and repeated the gesture. 

“Nice, ok, so this means human. What about a sign for titan?”

The titan in front of him balled its right hand into a fist and knocked it against its own skull twice. Armin laughed at its choice and mirrored the titan’s gesture.

“Nice! Cause titans are empty in the head?” 

It suddenly occurred to him that perhaps what he’d said was offensive. 

“Sorry! I mean… only some titans are! Not you of course!”

The titan just shrugged, touched his forehead, and made the sign for “human” again. Armin wasn’t sure what that meant so he decided to change the subject. 

“My name is Armin by the way. It’s nice to meet you.”

Even in such an odd situation, Armin did his best to be polite, even if shaking hands was out of the question.

“Do you have a name?”

The titan’s shoulders slumped. A sigh sent warm air ruffling through Armin’s blond bangs. Something about Armin’s question had ruined the titan’s buoyant mood. After a long moment, the titan shook its head.

“That’s ok. You can think of one later. Is it alright if I ask you some more questions?”

He was met with the double thumbs up again. Remembering his duty as a soldier, Armin asked the question that had been driving Hange insane. 

“Why do you kill other titans?” 

The titan knocked twice against its skull and growled low in its throat. For added effect, it smacked one fist into its palm, eyes narrowed threateningly. 

The effect was quite formidable and Armin couldn’t help but instinctually flinch backward. As he did, pain shot up his injured ankle. The titan didn’t miss his sharp intake of breath. 

It abandoned its aggressive posture and pointed one large finger at Armin’s ankle, head tilted in a silent question. 

“My ankle? I think it’s just a bad sprain, but there is a chance it might be broken. I can’t tell without taking my boot off.” 

When the titan waited expectantly, Armin sighed and moved his hands towards his foot, eyes watering in pain as he slipped the boot off his heel. He was met with an unpleasant sight. 

His ankle was swollen and hot to the touch. Dark purple bruises pooled along the length of his foot, and when he ran his fingers over the injury, his skin felt tender and raw. Armin wished he’d kept his boot on. 

“Yikes…”

The titan groaned in agreement. 

“I mean I guess it could be worse, right? I did fall from pretty high up.” 

A huff from the titan made Armin lookup. It had two fingers in its palm in the agreed-on sign for “human,” but this time the two fingers lept into the air before dramatically smashing into the ground. It took Armin a moment to realize those fingers were supposed to be him. The titan was looking at him reproachfully.

“You’re mad at me for jumping out of your hand? I was super freaked out! Although I guess you’re right. That may not have been the smartest move I’ve ever made.” 

Armin looked back at his injury. He’d seen injured ankles during his training days, but nothing as bad as this. He needed bandages and a splint. Well, he actually needed a lot of things but those were a priority. 

He looked around him for something to use. There was nothing on the ledge besides some weeds and himself. He supposed he could rip off parts of his uniform, but the cold November air made him think twice. He frowned.

The titan suddenly grunted excitedly and held up one finger before stepping back and spinning on its heel. Armin watched in bewilderment. Was the titan ditching him? Why did the thought make him feel disappointed? 

He watched as the titan splashed through the lake, startling a flock of ducks in the process. It disappeared into the forest as quickly as it came, and Armin was left in silence. 

Had he really just conversed with a titan? He felt like laughing at the sheer absurdity of the situation. If Eren could have seen him now! The thought sobered him up. 

Here he was stuck outside the walls, unable to walk, with an eccentric titan as his only companion. He wasn’t dead, at least not yet, but the probability he’d stay that way was not promising. 

Thundering footsteps made him look back up. His new friend was back. The titan dropped something next to Armin’s legs and stared at him eagerly until Armin scooted forward to see what it was. 

A Survey Corps military issued saddlebag was lying in the dirt. Armin gasped in surprise.

“Where’d you find _this_?”

The titan shrugged and vaguely pointed east. Armin reached forward and pulled the pack to his chest. Inside he found a full set of rations, a waterskin, a cloak, a thick knife, some flint, an envelope full of parchment, and aha! A first aid kit at the bottom of the pack! Judging by the amount of parchment in the bag, his guess was it had probably belonged to Hange. 

“This is… thank you!”

The titan nodded proudly. Perhaps Armin’s chances for survival were not as dire as he thought.


	5. Books & Bruises

Jean rubbed the back of his neck distractedly, letting the warm shower water soothe the tension in his shoulders.

After the expedition to confront the Rogue Titan failed, Jean and his squadmates were ordered back to headquarters a week after returning to Trost. Jean had been relieved by the command. The city he once called home had begun to feel like a prison. 

His first few days back inside the walls had been a blur of pain and foul-tasting medication as he was treated for his injuries. Sasha was assigned to the bed next to his, but once the doctor stitched up the deep gash on her upper arm she’d been free to go. Jean had not been as lucky. 

The doctor informed him he had multiple broken ribs after being knocked from his horse, but the main concern was any hidden internal organ damage Jean may have suffered from the impact. Jean had only vaguely listened. All he knew was that his body _hurt._

The doctors and nurses who manned the Trost military hospital did their best to ease his pain, but many seemed to harbor pain of their own. Jean shuddered to think what the hospital must have been like in the days following the battle six months ago. From the many haunted expressions he saw, it must have been hell. 

By the end of the week, the pain in his ribs burned every time he walked, but the bruising on his sides and back appeared to be healing. On his last day in the hospital, Jean caught sight of his reflection in a mirror and nearly gagged at the sickly purple and yellow patches covering his body. He looked terrible. _He looked like a corpse._

His sorry state was the reason he had refrained from seeing his mother until being discharged. He knew she worried about him, and seeing him in the hospital discolored and barely able to walk would only make it worse. However, if he was being honest with himself, that was not the only reason he had avoided her.

She’d ask him questions. 

She always did. He couldn’t blame her for it, but how was he supposed to tell her what happened? How was he supposed to describe what he’d seen? 

His mom had never seen a titan up close, never seen her friends eaten alive, never left the safety of the walls, and Jean never wanted her to. Jean didn’t even want her to imagine it. In his own way, Jean wanted to protect her from his reality, but doing so meant lying to her, and lying to her made him feel ashamed. 

He’d once confessed this problem to Armin while on watch duty late one night. Although Armin had no family left of his own, his friend had seemed to understand his situation. 

_“I think it’s important to have a relationship with her, but if she asks you anything you can’t bring yourself to answer, tell her its classified. Most people are used to the military guarding its secrets.”_

Armin’s old advice was solid, but Jean hadn’t had the chance to try it out until he was free to leave the hospital. As he expected, his mother had pulled him into a warm embrace when he showed up on her doorstep wearing thick clothing and a distracted expression. He managed to hide his pain as she squeezed her son in relief, but it had gone downhill from there. 

As soon as she served him dinner, the questions came. She wanted to know if he was eating well. She wanted to know about his commanders. She wanted to know about the last mission he’d been on. He answered her as best he could, but when she asked about his friends he’d lost it. 

“Oh, Jeanbo…”

Hearing his old nickname only made the tears fall harder, and for once, his mother didn’t ask him questions. Instead, she walked around the dining room table and held her son as he cried like a little kid. 

So much for convincing her he was alright. 

He’d left his mother’s house that night feeling numb. Two days later he rode for headquarters with the rest of his squad, thankful to leave Trost behind.

Hange and Erwin rode for the interior to report on the mission, but not before extensively questioning Sasha and Connie on their encounter with the Rogue Titan. Sasha claimed the Rogue Titan saved their lives, but from the way Connie told the tale it sounded more like the two soldiers had made a narrow escape. Regardless of the truth, Jean was just glad his two friends were alright. Friends were something he was tired of losing. 

Thoughts of the Rogue Titan filled his mind as he walked from the showers back to the room he shared with Armin….well, used to share with Armin. 

After the battle for Trost, Armin and Jean wordlessly became roommates. Sleeping in the space he briefly shared with Marco had been unbearable, and Armin seemed to feel the same about the room he’d shared with Eren.

Jean remembered how it happened. After his third sleepless night in a row, Jean had done his best to leave Marco’s ghost in his room while he sought out a new place to sleep. He’d opened the door to Franz and Thomas’s old room only to find Armin already laying in one of the beds. Jean had turned to leave but a quiet voice had stopped him.

“It’s alright, Jean. There are two beds in here.” 

“You sure?”

“I’m sure”

The next day, both friends moved their meager possessions into the empty room. Somehow they both found it easier to sleep in a dead kid’s bed than to sleep in their own, and if Armin ever heard Jean cry out at night, the other boy didn’t mention it. 

Now, memories of Armin made Jean’s chest feel too small for his lungs. 

He was so distracted by the memory he didn’t notice the dark-haired girl sitting on the opposite bed until he was halfway across the room. 

“Mikasa!?”

She stood up quickly, her silky black hair covering her face. Her pale hands were clutching a large book to her chest Jean recognized as having belonged to Armin. 

Jean suddenly became aware he was shirtless and damp and his bruises were probably on full display. He’d meant to put his shirt on before returning to his room, but the pain he felt when he lifted his arm above his head had given him pause. 

If his bruises disgusted Mikasa, she didn’t show it. Instead, she set the book on the shelf, flattened a wrinkle on Armin’s sheets, and took a hurried step towards the door. 

“Sorry, Jean. I didn’t mean to intrude.” 

“Mikasa, wait. I…” 

Jean reached for her wrist, but when she turned to look at him he faltered. What could he possibly say to her? 

After learning of Armin’s death, Mikasa had...shut down. She had always been quiet, but the last two weeks she only spoke when spoken to, and her normally sharp eyes were dull. She followed her orders, ate at mealtimes, and reported to her commanders, but when she had no task assigned to her she’d disappear for hours. A few nights ago Sasha had confessed to Connie and Jean that Mikasa hadn’t been sleeping in the room they shared. 

Jean suddenly heard Armin’s final words ringing in his ears as clearly as if the blond was standing next to him. 

_“Please take care of Mikasa for me.” _

Jean was failing Armin. He couldn’t take care of Mikasa. He could hardly take care of himself. But fuck, he was at least was going to try. He had to. 

Jean cleared his throat and released his hold on her wrist. 

“Um, you can stay here if you want. I don’t mind ...Or I can leave if you want me to.”

She considered him for a moment, finally looking up to meet his eyes. Jean was taken aback by the raw emotion he saw in them. He had grown used to Mikasa’s unreadable expressions. He couldn't help but notice (not for the first time) how beautiful she was.

After a small pause, Mikasa shook her head and retraced her steps, resuming her position on Armin’s bed. Not knowing what else to do, Jean sat next to her leaving a few feet between them. The silence grew until Jean broke it by reaching for Armin’s book. The thing was massive. He cracked it open to a random page. 

“Jeez, Armin sure liked his books, didn’t he? Can’t believe anyone would read something this big for fun. And to think ...everyone thought Eren was the crazy one!” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Mikasa cover her mouth with her scarf. Not quite a smile, but still a positive sign. Jean decided to keep going. 

“I mean, is owning a book like this even legal? Where’d he find it?” 

Mikasa scooted closer to Jean and pulled the book halfway onto her lap. Their legs were touching as Mikasa slowly turned the page. 

“His grandfather gave it to him. I think it belonged to his parents.” 

Jean couldn’t remember Armin ever talking about his parents. All he knew was the Shiganshina trio considered themselves orphans. He asked before he could stop himself.

“What happened to his parents?” 

“They died before mine did. Eren and I never really knew for sure, but Armin once told us his parents died while trying to leave the walls.” 

Jean felt his eyes bulge in their sockets.

“Leave the walls!?! Why would anyone want to do that!? That’s insane?!”

Mikasa shrugged. 

“We left the walls last week, didn't we?” 

“Yeah but…” 

Jean’s argument died in his chest. She was right. He’d willingly left the safety of the walls during the expedition. Perhaps he was as insane as Armin’s parents. 

He shook his head and turned another page in the book. A strange illustration depicting the largest snowfield Jean had ever seen caught his attention. Was this a fantasy book? As he gazed at it, he was reminded of an old memory. 

“Hey, did you know Armin once caught me planning to cut holes in Eren’s uniform? I think it was the night before the winter training mission. I was so mad back then, but now I can’t even remember what Eren said that made me so pissed. I thought I had figured out the perfect revenge. I was gonna sneak into the washroom where his uniform was drying in the middle of the night. I’d even risked stealing some scissors and everything. 

Well, the night I was going to make my move I ran into Armin in the hallway, and Armin, being the genius he was, immediately figured out what I was planning to do.” 

Jean did his best to hide his surprise when he felt Mikasa lay her head against his bare shoulder. When he was younger, the idea of sitting shirtless on the same bed as Mikasa would have driven him crazy. He pushed the thought out of his mind and continued his story. He was not proud of his younger self. 

“I totally thought Armin was gonna rat me out, but instead, he somehow managed to talk me down. He started rambling on and on about the cycle of violence and how I was only making it worse, and I don’t know. I probably only understood half of what he said, but what I did understand made sense. Armin was always so much smarter than everyone else.”

Jean paused. His breath had become shaky.

“I’d always thought Armin had stopped me that night cause he was protecting Eren, but I realize now he was really protecting _me_. Can you imagine what Shadis would have done to me if he’d found out I’d vandalized military property? It’d have made Sasha’s punishments look tame!”

He felt Mikasa nod in agreement against his shoulder. Something about sitting on Armin’s bed with Mikasa next to him made his story feel like one big exhale.

“Even when I acted like a selfish bastard, even after losing Eren, Armin did stuff like that for me. Even when he had his own shit to deal with.”

Jean ran the hand that wasn't supporting the book on their laps through his hair. It had gotten longer than he was used to. He tightened his hand into a fist.

“Fuck, I didn’t deserve Armin. At the end, what he _did_ for me...How could someone so smart do something so stupid!?” 

Mikasa wrapped an arm around his back, her touch surprisingly gentle.

“Saving you wasn’t a mistake, Jean.” 

“Yes, it was, and now he’s dead and I’m not.”

“Armin made a choice.”

“He chose wrong, Mikasa. We both know it. He shouldn’t have come back for me. That blond bastard should have left me there to die and saved himself as any other soldier would’ve. _He_ should be the one sitting here reading this stupid book with you, not me!”

Jean slammed the book shut so it rested fully on Mikasa’s knees. With a hand covering his face, he slumped forward. His ribs ached dully. When he spoke, his voice was softer.

“Armin was better than any of us…. Fuck, even Eren knew it.” 

At some point during their conversation, Mikasa had become the one comforting him instead of the other way around. The arm on his back felt solid, and Jean immediately felt guilty for his outburst. Perhaps he still was a selfish bastard

“I’m sorry, Mikasa. I should be the one cheering _you_ up. You lost him too.”

He heard her let out a quiet breath.

“It's fine. It ... feels nice to talk about him.”

Jean couldn’t agree. Talking about Armin hurt worse than any pain his body had suffered. He wondered, not for the first time, where Mikasa had been disappearing to during the last few weeks. He also wondered where she’d been sleeping. 

“Jean, I’m going to kill it.” 

The intensity in her voice pulled him out of his thoughts. What was she talking about? 

“Huh?” 

“The Rogue Titan. _I’m going to kill it._”

It took him a moment to process what she was saying. 

“What!? Kill the… Why!?”

Mikasa stood up and placed the book back on the shelf. When she turned back around a steely expression masked her face. Their previous conversation felt miles away. 

“You know what happened on the expedition. Those titans ambushed us. It was planned, and I think The Rogue Titan had something to do with it.” 

Jean stared at her in shock. He had not been expecting _this!_

“Mikasa, that’s crazy! Sasha said it saved her and Connie! Why would it do that if it wanted to kill us?” 

Her expression didn’t waver. 

“It’s intelligent, Jean. The day before we set out, Armin and I saw it from the wall. It….it _waved_ at us. It’s been messing with us this whole time.”

Jean stared at her in shock. He didn’t know what frightened him more, her claim the titan had waved to her and Armin or the sudden emptiness in her eyes. 

“But it... it saved Trost!”

“No, _we_ saved Trost.”__

_ _“It plugged the hole in the wall!”_ _

_ _“Only after most soldiers were slaughtered”_ _

_ _“You think it was waiting for us to be killed before helping the city? That doesn’t make sense!”_ _

_ _“Doesn’t it?”_ _

_ _Jean struggled to make sense of his spiraling thoughts. How had the conversation taken such a dark turn? She was scaring him. _ _

_ _“Even if you’re right, Mikasa, you can’t just kill the Rogue Titan! It's the _Rogue Titan_!”_ _

_ _“So what? I’m strong, stronger than anyone.”_ _

_ _“It’s at least 15 meters! It’s dangerous! Even if you are right about it, it has-”_ _

_ _“Jean, what do I have left to lose?”_ _

_ _His next plea died in his throat. This time when she turned to leave, Jean didn’t try to stop her._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you are enjoying the story so far! I just wanted to let everyone know that updates may be a bit slower for the next few chapters, but I have decided to make the story longer than I originally planned (whoo-hoo)! 
> 
> Thank you for your kind comments and support! :)


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